So Hard
by Meg2
Summary: Follows the series with 'Dead and Gone, With the Wind', 'Dead Accord', 'Dead Reckoning and Dead Set'. A Pam POV. Spoilers for all eight books, short story "One Word Answer"


**So Hard**

_Early April_

He frowned.

"You know this because _she_ told you about it?" he said, gazing across the desk at me.

"No, Amelia told me, Eric. Amelia did the reconstruction at Sookie's cousin's apartment. It was above Amelia's apartment. They were trying to get further information about the cousin's murder and some missing object of Sophie-Anne's, which evidently Sookie later found, and there was also the issue of the dead Were. Jake something, the one the cousin turned? You know, the one from Rhodes? The one that went after Sookie when she stayed at the cousin's place?"

"So what is the point, Pam? What is your point about this thing with Sophie-Anne and Sookie's cousin? Hadley. I think her name was Hadley."

"Well, Amelia said that Sookie had commented that this Hadley was so trusting and naïve in her assumption that letting Sophie-Anne turn her would mean they had a lasting relationship, or something along that line. It seemed like after she was turned that she was very stung that Sophie-Anne married Peter Threadgill. Amelia used the phrase 'broken up' to describe the cousin and said that even Sophie-Anne felt bad when she saw the reconstruction and said 'Oh, my dear…' or something like that, because this Hadley was crying. Amelia said that Sookie talked about it just recently as if it really impacted her a lot to see how this cousin felt. She told Amelia that she thinks that what happened to Hadley was awful because she felt betrayed or something to that effect by Sophie-Anne."

"I must be missing something here," he said, with his jaw set and looking at me like he was bored already.

"Eric, you're being deliberately obtuse. Sookie saw the fact that her cousin had this romantic relationship with Sophie-Anne and then Sophie-Anne turned her and then sort of left her high and dry. Figure it out." _Really he can just be impossible at times…_

He was silent. Finally he said, "So you're saying that Sookie thinks that if I turned her, I could leave her?"

_Epiphany! I wish they made a _'Sookie Stackhouse for Dummies'_ book. I'd buy it and leave it on his desk. How the man can be so clever about so many other things and so obtuse about Sookie is beyond me._

"Yes, Eric, that's what I'm saying. Think about it. Her parents died when she was a child, her grandmother was murdered, her brother is estranged and she's lost friends because of dating vampires. She has 'issues'. She already feels alone. Why would she want to risk a choice that could make her immortally alone? That's what I surmise she thinks could happen. It's been so many months since all that happened and she's obviously still mulling it over, based on what she said to Amelia."

He looked angry. "I'd never do that."

If I breathed, I'd be taking a deep breath to keep calm and not be sarcastic. I was trying not to roll my eyes. That would just make him angry and I certainly didn't want to do that because the last time we'd had a conversation about Sookie and her being turned, he pushed me into a wall and then dented the file cabinet with his fist. We were still having trouble opening that drawer near the dent, even after Clancy had worked the dent back out.

"I didn't say that you _would_. I said that it could be a fear that she could have that might add to her resistance to the idea of ever being turned, Eric."

He was silent again. He leaned back in his chair and rested a foot on one of the desk drawer handles and crossed his free leg across the other, resting the foot on the desk. He looked at me coolly.

"Maybe you _shouldn't_ talk to her about a more formal bond. You're very negative about this. You really don't think she's ever going to be turned, do you?" he said with a sharp edge to his voice.

_Oh, this could get bad…. I should just be silent._

I sat there, expressionless.

"Seriously, you can tell me what you really think, Pam. I promise I won't hit anything. I won't break anything. You've obviously been thinking about this, so… tell me your thoughts."

_This was such a bad idea._

"I just wanted to relate the thing about her cousin, Eric. I think it is a relevant insight into her… psyche," I said, cautiously.

He narrowed his eyes looking at me. That was never good.

"I'm waiting."

"Eric, I've already _had_ that discussion with you. I know what you want, and I'm trying to help you understand things that are important to Sookie, so that you have a better insight into… what you're dealing with."

"_What_ am I dealing with?" he asked coldly.

_I swear, I don't even know why I came in here to tell him. Anything that even borders on the topic of her mortality just sends him in into some sort of irrational thinking._

I rose so I could get out quickly. I leaned forward and casually took all the signed paychecks off the desk, so that I could be sure nothing would happen to them. I moved back a bit more so I could dart out if needed. I glanced at him then looked away as I spoke, because he already looked angry.

"Eric… She likes getting a tan, and listening to the mockingbirds sing in her yard in the afternoon. She likes the daytime. She loves you but she likes all of these daytime things. She loves spending time with Claudine. These things _mean_ something to her. But it's not just about giving up the daylight or her Fae family, which would already be a lot to ask. Remember she's already giving up children, too, which is important to many humans. She may love us, but there are things she may _never_ accept about us, Eric. So how much is too much to ask? I don't know what else to tell you. Maybe sometime down the road you'll change her mind, or maybe you'll get lucky and she'll have an accident and you can turn her and say you couldn't help yourself and spend several decades dealing with her outrage and getting it back on track. Although personally, I think she'd be likely to get one _really_ final tan if you did that. But getting her to just _agree_ to be turned? I really don't think it's happening anytime soon and I think if you keep on pushing it, she's going to tell you to 'take a hike, buddy' just like she did about the thing with Alcide's sister. Because it's disrespectful of her wishes. Put that down." I pointed to the desk. "You promised no breaking or hitting things if I talked. Really, Eric, I'm with you on this. I am _very_ fond of the telepath. I would be happy to have her in my life forever. But I am fond enough of her to respect her and her wishes on this. You seem like you are very into to this thing that she can choose, because she can't be glamoured. So let her choose, Eric. _Let her choose_."

I darted out the door. There was total silence in the office. I waited. Still nothing. A minute. Two. Three… Completely against my nature, I lost control and my eyes teared up.

_The silence is even worse. This is so hard. All these feelings. How do some of us do it? Marry them, love them, lose them. It is just… so hard. What will he do if she really says no? _


End file.
